The content in this section was developed in partnership with Teach Us Consent, an organization dedicated to consent education
See more in Teach Us Consent's article on Coercive Control
Knowing the Difference
In those early stages of getting to know someone, it isn't always easy to tell the difference between someone who is genuinely caring and enthusiastic, and someone whose behaviour is something else entirely. Intensity can feel like interest and attention can feel like affection. The line that separates the two is whether someone consistently respects your choices, your autonomy, and your boundaries.
Checking In vs. Monitoring
Monitoring is often shown in the media as a form of romantic, protective care: the brooding love interest who always needs to know exactly where you are, or the passionate partner that's actually just possessive.
The truth is: expecting constant updates about how you spend your time and where can be a form of control.
You're out with friends and haven't checked your phone in a while. When you do, there's a message from the person you've been seeing hoping you're having a good night and wondering where you've ended up with your friends. Totally fine. When someone is interested in you, they think about you.
However, if you open your phone to a series of angry messages asking where you are, who you're with, and why you haven't replied, with justifications like “I just worry about you, is it really that hard to send a quick message?” or “If you actually cared you wouldn't leave me on read for two hours” — then it may be a moment to reflect.
This extends to location sharing, too. “I just want to know you're safe” can sound reasonable, and in some contexts, sharing your location with someone you trust is not only a fair ask, but a good idea. The difference is when it becomes a standard expectation rather than an offer, or when saying no feels uncomfortable. That's an indication something's not right.
Knowing where you are at all times isn't the same as caring about you, and trust isn't built through surveillance.
Romantic Excitement vs. Lovebombing
You've been seeing someone for about a month. They tell you they really enjoy spending time with you and are excited to keep getting to know you. They make plans to see you again and the connection develops at a pace that feels comfortable for both of you. That's genuine excitement — interest that grows naturally over time.
It's worth noting that the term “lovebombing” gets thrown around a lot these days. Sometimes it's incorrectly used to describe behaviour that is actually just someone being romantic or enthusiastic. Someone planning a thoughtful date, sending a sweet message, or even making you a wonky little sculpture at their pottery class because it made them think of you isn't lovebombing.
Lovebombing is a pattern of over-the-top gestures. More along the lines of “they surprised me with a fully booked getaway after we'd known each other for three weeks and the flights are non-refundable.”
It can also sound like: “I just knew how special you are from the moment I met you, and I've never felt this way about anyone before,” or even initiating conversations about moving in together, having children, or marriage before you even know their last name.
It feels intense and dizzying. And that's the point. When emotional intensity is this high, this fast, it becomes genuinely hard to assess the relationship clearly. The rapid pace creates a kind of pressure, which makes it difficult for you to slow down and ask yourself whether this is actually healthy and balanced for everyone involved.
Victimhood vs. Healthy Vulnerability
You've been getting to know someone for a couple of months, and over a call, they open up about a difficult period in their life. It's a little heavy, but not overwhelming. There's a natural, easy back and forth, you both share, and by the end of the conversation, you feel a little closer to one another. This is a healthy level of vulnerability, where you both open up to one another at a pace that feels comfortable, and it's how real understanding and connection develops between two people.
It's a different story if you've only had a few dates and are having pretty regular conversations centred on how everyone in their past has wronged them, or saying things like “Everyone I've ever trusted has let me down, you're honestly different” or “You're the only one I can actually talk to about this stuff.”
Realistically, that's a lot of emotional responsibility to place on someone you've known for a short time, let alone someone new.
Healthy vulnerability invites mutual connection, whereas someone with self-proclaimed victimhood behaviour demands emotional validation. This dynamic can make it incredibly difficult for someone to step back from the relationship, because when someone has positioned themselves as having no one else, leaving feels cruel, even if the relationship isn't good for you.
Over time, it can foster codependency, making it harder for both people to respect each other's boundaries and autonomy, or even trust their own instincts about what they truly want.